I, for one, am ready to leave a few things behind in 2013: my fear of judgement. Perfectionism. My inhibitions. My fear of showing my whole self, even the parts that might be misunderstood.
I’m realizing that subconsciously, eventho I may try to be all “fuck what other people think” on the outside, other people’s opinions really matter to me. I think that’s part of what makes me empathetic and kind, which I don’t want to change, of course. But I’m seeing differently how worrying about what other people might think has held me back in small and large ways in my life. I don’t want to disappoint, let anyone down, create conflict.
So instead, I tend to keep a lot of bits of myself, to myself. There is so much within me that feels too sacred, too precious to let out into the big, bad world of harsh criticism. I’m protective of myself. I cling to the walls of my safe shell, letting only a few select visitors deep into its cavernous spirals, the center of which, only I really know.
Since the new year dawned though, I’ve been feeling an urge, a rushing wave coming through me, beckoning me to let some of that protection fade away and trust myself that I’ll be able to handle whatever happens outside of that shell. That the fear itself is scarier than what will actually meet me out in the world.